Wednesday, December 19

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow

Oh, remember when snow was awesome!  I used to love winter, it was my favorite season.  I remember snow forts my daddy would make for me, and how awesome they looked inside.  Then I look at pictures of them as an adult and wonder how I fit in there, let alone the mansion I seem to recall vividly in my memory.  I remember hoping for snow days from school, and being so excited to stay home with mommy and my little sisters when a snow day was called.  How us sisters would go out and play in the snow and then come in for a warm bubble bath, snuggly clothes, and hot chocolate, all courtesy of mommy.

Then I eventually had a job, where I was considered (and still am) "necessary operations", and drove a car.  That's when my love for winter started to fade and my love of fall took over.  It's also when my love of the snow melted (hardy har har) a bit.  Shoveling snow, especially my old loooooong driveway, not my favorite thing in the world.  It would give me chance to be alone with my thoughts though, and the cold air is definitely invigorating.  But when you *have* to go to work, because your operations is open 24/7/365, it can really stink!  Working in retail was much easier in that sense, if it was bad outside they were closed and you didn't have to risk life and limb to get in.  So while we are, here, in a blizzard warning tomorrow morning I get to do that very thing to make every effort to be to work by 8 am tomorrow.

However, we are also predicted to have six inches or so on Christmas Day, and since I don't have to work that day (yay!) I'm all for it.  A white Christmas is always a love of mine, especially if I don't have to work that day, or the day after--whoo hoo!  I guess my love of the white stuff wanes between whether I have to go to work or not, lol!  It sure looks pretty when it's falling silently and blanketing the ground with promise and purity!

Friday, November 23

Thankful

There are many things I'm Thankful for, as I am each year.  The list is always ever evolving, as I'm sure it is for most people.  I will try to list things here, as they relate to the reason for this very blog.

I'm Thankful for. . .

. . .my whole family.  I'm thankful that they (you) all are supportive of my decision, from taking a genuine interest in my choices to offering me a home to come back to to make this dream possible.  I have been blessed with families on both side of my family tree that live close by, for the most part, and got to grow up with and created the best holiday memories a girl could ask for.  Why else would I look forward to them so much, and get giddy at the very thought of sharing them with my own little one(s) some day.  My mom, dad and sisters, the whole reason I wanted to be a mom in the first place and have more then one child.  We each have such special bonds and great memories, that I can only hope I can provide for my own family one day.  I'm especially grateful to my nieces who, after gracing my life with their presence cemented the feelings that being a mommy truly is what I want to be and do.  (Plus they are just so sweet--most of the time--and enrich my life just getting to watch them grow and learn and love!)

. . .my job.  Even though I do have to work some holidays each year, and it's not always the ideal job for myself, it provides me the chance to hopefully one day provide for a little one of my own (so money).  My health insurance has certainly rocked so far in covering the medical journey I've taken so far, especially when I thought it would all be out of pocket!  I have an awesome friend there who unknowingly, at the time, set this whole process in motion, and is great enough to listen to me babble on :)  I was also blessed to work along side another Buffy obsessed co-worker who made the days on the phones seem to slip by effortlessly.  Even though she longer works there, I always smile at the the sight of an e-mail from her in my inbox :)  This one morphed into a " . . .my friends" one as well :)

. . .my faith.  That I have God and Jesus in my life, and thanks to the country we live in I can worship Him openly and freely.  I have someone greater than myself that I can ask for guidance from and pray that I'm following my own path in the way He'd like me to.

. . .the times we live in.  So that this even trying to become a mom all on my own is even an option for me.

. . .my s0n0 appointment going as best as it could.  I met another nurse and the female doctor on Wednesday, and they were extremely nice and truly made the experience go as best as it could.  It certainly went better, through no fault of the first nurse's, than my consultation ultrasound.  Doc also found no issues with my uterus or tubes, everything was smooth and the saline flowed through as it should.  I wasn't asked to take another blood test, at least not at that appointment.  Doc said that once I choose a donor and make the purchase with the andrologist, then I can have my plan of care appointment.  That one will either be with her or the male RE.  Doc did say that she will have me do ovul.ation stimulation (so at this point I'm assuming cl.omid and the trigger shot) for my ttc cycle.  Then the following cycle (so January would be the earliest time, but my first attempt most likely will be in February!)  I'm just glad that all looked well to this point!

. . .the things that I take for granted on a daily basis, but know that so many people here and around the world go without.  Shelter, clean water, clothing, my very own room, and food to name a few.  I mean look  at us, we're saddened by a food company that is claiming bankruptcy and may go out of business for forever (and trust I enjoyed those donut gems and the yummy apple and cherry pies) when there are plenty of people who wish to be able to provide a morsel of food to their children.  I know that someone will always have it better than me and someone will always be worse off than myself.  I'm thankful for what I have been provided and what I know can be provided.  After all I have a nursery set up for a child who has not even been conceived, in the hopes that one day there will be a little one to fill the room.

I hope you all were able to enjoy Thanksgiving in whatever way you do.  I can only hope that next Thanksgiving there's another little someone in my life I have to be Thankful for :)


Tuesday, November 20

Turkey Talk

Ok, not really talking about turkeys here, but it's my "clever" title for the day ;)

This week, I'm sure will flash by in the blink of an eye.  With shopping, going to work, going to my sono, making desserts for Thanksgiving dinner, watching the parade, working on the holiday :(, trying to find deals for the things I still need to buy on Black Friday, and then work again it will be Cyber Monday before you know it!

Monday a local radio station kicked off their Christmas music that plays non-stop until the day after Christmas.  To a girl like me, that's truly music to my ears!  I know, I know there are plenty of people who want to recognize Thanksgiving Day first.  I just LOVE this season, and refuse to let my wonder and love for the season fade, no matter how old I get.  Who knows how nutso crazy I'll be when/if there's my own child(ren) to celebrate with!!!  **Crazy offtopicness over :) **

Tomorrow morning I will head to work for four hours.  I plan to get off an hour before my appointment is scheduled.  Then I'll head home to grab mom and have her drive us to the center for my sono.  If you are interested in what this procedure entails click here to read more about it.  (Remember I had to have this put off last month since only the female doctor performs this procedure at the center.)  I will probably be getting blood drawn then too, so a banner day for me it will be!!!  I do plan on resting afterwards, and having my mommy take me to a certain new chicken fast food place to get lunch and holiday shake. I'll try to get on here and let you know how it goes. I do believe that the next step will be to meet one of the doctors for my plan of care.






Sunday, November 11

Happy Veteran's Day

Thank you to all of those truly brave women and men that defend, serve and protect our country, lives, dreams and beliefs every day!  Also to their families who share their loved ones with their country!


Sunday, November 4

Orphan Sunday


Churches around the world will pause today to consider the growing orphan crisis. Our prayer for Orphan Sunday is simple...
...that eyes will be opened to see the millions of children crying out for help;
...that ears will hear clearly God's command to care for widows and orphans;
...and that hearts will be touched to take action and answer God's call to help the helpless.






Sunday, October 28

One Year Since. . .

. . .the For Sale sign went up in my yard!  Can you believe it, because I hardly can.  All that went into selling the house, the painting, cleaning, deweeding, loan so I could sell from a fairy godmother, bringing everything up to code, and of course saying good-bye.

Here I am a year later, with painting done for the foreseeable future, boxes all unpacked, and no yard work to contend with ;)  Thinking that another year from now could find me pregnant or with a newborn.  How crazy is that?!

Saturday, October 27

What I Still Miss

Now that the house was sold 8 months ago, and have been living with mom, dad and kk, here is what I still miss.

I still miss those original hardwood floors.  They were slightly a pain to sweep up, but oh how I loved the warmth their color brought to the room.  They would have been a little hard on small knees and feet learning how to crawl, or to fall on when learning how to walk, but having "picnics" on them made them a bit easier to clean messes off of than carpeting.

I miss looking at the light fixture in the hallway every day, as well as the simple one over the sink when doing dishes.  The simple, but gorgeous detail on the hallway one, and the way the silver gleamed on them both.  I just do not care much for the gold fixtures, and find that I personally prefer silver.

I miss those big mature trees in my yard.  The nice shading they provided and how beautiful they looked.  Remember I had NEVER watered my lawn once.  I never found that my lawn looked nasty either, actually I thought it looked just as good as the neighbors who watered daily.  I really think it's due to those trees shading it from the blistering sun, as well as a good rain shower.  While I miss having piles of leaves for nieces to play in and get some cute pictures with, I do NOT miss raking, mulching and bagging a whole box or two of lawn bags worth of them.  In fact naughty me did not even do the last load of front yard leaves last year.  Under the light layer of snow the new owner had some work for the Spring, and to be honest I really didn't feel guilty about it either!

I miss my pink tub!!!  Oh the way it was slanted was perfect for reading and soaking.  With or without a bath pillow.  The light from the window above was great for a light breeze or natural sunlight.  What's nice now though is being able to jump and take a quick shower and wash my hair the same time I wash my body!

What I miss from living alone, whether it be the house or when I was in the apartment, is control over it all.  I decided when to do my dishes, when to throw in a load of laundry (the apartment even came equipped with a w/d in the kitchen), deciding what to set the temp to (gas was paid in the apartment, extremely nice to not pay for heat!), and how loud/quiet the house would be.

I also remember that some days or weekends were great to just hang out by yourself to read or watch movies, while other times I just wanted to have others around to do the same thing, but not alone.  I would always have a tv or radio on in the background just so it wasn't dead quiet.  Or becoming a super light sleeper who wakes up to every noise thinking of where to hide if someone is breaking in.  Getting myself worked up when certain neighbors thought it was cool to play loud music or rev their engines late at night or other certain neighbors tried to bully me.  Dreading going out to do the basic of lawn care, mowing, weed pulling, leaf pick up, etc.  Paying the bill for the heat or a/c and then having to go cooler or warmer to try and not have such a big bill the next month.  Hoping that nothing was going to fall apart so that it was another bill to deduct from my income each month.  Wondering how on earth I was going to become an SMC if half my monthly take home went just to paying the mortgage.  Those things I DON'T miss so much.

I love that it's not just me washing the dishes.  That yeah it's still not my favorite thing and I can't just leave them for the weekend being one person and all if I wanted to, but there are three other people who pitch in too.  I still have a whole day that the W/D are open for my use only.  That my mommy says when a baby comes she would help with their laundry, cloth diapers and all.  There are other people who make meals and welcome me to each one if I want.  The temp in the house may not be what I would have it at, I also don't have to worry what the bill will look like at the end of the month.  Punky may be crated again at night, but someone is here most of the time to let her hang out with them during the day and take her to the bathroom when she needs it.  She loves having the attention, belly rubs and loving from her grandma, grandpa and auntie!  Once again, I don't have to deal with the outdoor stuff, but I can enjoy the beauty of it and swimming in the pool in the summer.  I could still be "alone" all day reading, watching tv, doing crafts, shopping or spending time on their computer (yeah, mine is still--:( ), but knowing others are in the house, no need for the tv or music in the background if I don't want it.

When I was planning on being a Choice Mom and going the pregnancy route, I had asked mom if she would come stay with me when it got closer to the delivery time.  That way I wouldn't be alone at night, in case something happened.  That she would come stay with me for awhile after the baby arrived.  Now I don't have to worry about that.  They'll be around through the whole pregnancy and after too.  I had had big plans for the nursery at my house, theme and all.  I never actually did paint that room though or do more than the furniture that was there and bought a mattress for the crib my sisters used.  Deep down I just didn't think it was going to happen there.  Once I moved here I had this feeling that this wouldn't be the last time I would be moving and the baby room just didn't quite feel right either.  However, as I decided to move forward with IUI vs. adopton the room, the perfect paint color had been chosen.  Now I totally envision it as my future baby's room where they will grow.  I love the playroom and how it looks more and more kid-friendly as we go.  I can picture how my room will look once I bring baby home from the hospital and have the glider set up in the corner (no I don't have one yet) and the amby baby next to my bed.  It feels good to know that even though we will be a "mommy and child(ren)" family (at least now), they will grow up close to their g-ma, g-pa, aunts, uncle and cousins--either in their own home or down the street.  It just feels right for this part of life!

So yes, I'm extremely happy in my decision to sell the house and move in with my family.  Glad that I made the half serious remark a year and half ago that I'd need to move in in order to have my own family (financial wise) and that Mom and Dad took it to heart and discussed it amongst themselves and then offered it to me. That I was offered a multi-generational home and accepted it, with all that it entails!

Wednesday, October 24

*Now or Later

Why do I keep saying/writing that I am not going to start ttc until 2013?  I'll break it down for you ;)


Before I even made my first appt/consultation with the fertility center, I was planning on starting actual TTC in Jan 2013.  I was going to make my initial appt with the center in October and then that would give me three months for whatever testing they felt needed to be done, get done.  As you see I went ahead and bit the bullet one day and made the first appt last month.  From their literature they sent me home with it looks like "this month" will be the month I have tests run and then meet with an RE to get my Plan of Care together. Then the next month I can start trying.

The plan to start in Jan stems from two main reasons.  Number one, money.  I really thought from my understanding that I would be doing this all out of pocket.  Now from reading, though I'm waiting for financial lady to give me the "real" answers, it looks like even the sperm could be covered by my insurance.  I had checked with the andrology lady, and she says that they actually order the specimen, not me.  So again need info from financial lady, but they may bill my insurance before coming to me for the money to pay for the genetic material.  She'll also go over with me the cost of my IUI, which seems to be covered minus co-pay  for the procedure.  If those fall in line, then finances are not an issue any more.  I then have to wonder if coverage will stay the same for next year.  Would I be better off trying now for maybe two cycles vs. waiting for next year?

Reason Two, leave of absence.  I fully intend to take my twelve weeks off.  With what I have six would be paid.  That time is already "banked".  Then they would come after my current sick/vacation time to pay the rest of it off.  Which would leave me with no paid time off for the rest of year.  I can't exactly just not come in and have it taken out of my pay at my current position.  I'd prefer to take some unpaid and then save some time "just in case", but it doesn't work that way.  Did a couple of years ago, but not anymore.  Which means mom, the baby, and I cannot get sick, because I can not use sick time to go/stay home.   I'd also like to be selfish and have those end of year holidays off and with baby.  Now if I were to get the other job, that'd be a non issue, I'd get holidays off.

I know that things don't go according to plan though.  It could take awhile to get pregnant, keep a pregnancy, etc.  Which could take me into a new year and the same problems over again.  I could have complications and need to be on bed rest, or the baby could come early.  Making all of this pondering and planning null and void, but for now I'm trying to figure out what's best for what I can attempt to plan for.  I also will be having that sonohystogram this cycle.  The "cleaning of the pipes" so to speak can lead to some women getting a BFP their next cycle if they are TTC.  So there's that to add to it all as well.  It doesn't help that I also have this overwhelming feeling it will be multiples and therefore need the couple extra months, you know after the holiday buying frenzy, to save more monies for this future child(ren).  I also don't want to miss a month that could have been the one.  Then again I don't want to be worried over having time at the end of the year and working holidays for a certain person at work :(

I suppose this is/I could make a now/later list much like the pros/cons list of a beloved Stars Hollow's character!

**I wrote this before I got the call Monday saying that my sono wouldn't be until next cycle/month.  At most I'd probably just get to try in December, if I wanted to "try earlier."**

Monday, September 3

Happy Labor Day!

Last time I wrote was our last National Holiday and here we are again.  Also just the same is that I'm on the mids shift once again.  And it is once again kicking my patootie!  This time it is on the opposite end of the work week, which just adds to my confusion as to what day it is.  I was also "tricked" into working this holiday as well, it was supposed to be my holiday off.  At least this time since I'm working the opposite work week I'll get that weekend as well my normal weekend off to get myself back on a normal schedule.

Unlike where I was when I last left you, I have changed-once again- the pathway to my family.  Instead of yammering on for a bit, which by now you should know I'm totally capable of, I'll try to just get to the meat of my decision.  Plan P (I don't know what it really is, but close enough ;) ) was to make my family via adoption and then expand with a homegrown baby (biological child).  I know that a certain country can close adoptions, change the rules, etc, so in that sense I'm taking a "chance" with changing up my plan.  For certain criterias and monies, as well as my age, and some other factors, I've decided to go bio first and expand with adoption.  Trust me it was not an easy shift, especially after all the pondering of Lauren, but I really feel it's the best decision for me at this point.  Praying has been ever so helpful, as it usually seems to be.  I still wish for G on her star (yeah not sure even if the bio baby is a girl I'd be able to name her G, since I've used it so much when speaking of my little girl on the other side of the world.)

I understand that this is a change of gears (once again), and that some of you may not likely follow anymore, but since this is mainly to keep my family and close friends in the loop and so I will be continuing to do so here, I wish those who will not be luck and happiness :)

For those still following I will plan on starting TTC (trying to conceive) come 2013 :)

Thursday, July 5

Happy 4th!

Happy Belated 4th to everyone in the US!

Spent a lot of time thinking, researching, and thinking some more this past week.  The crazy body change of getting myself off of the mid shift and back to working during the day has taken it's toll on me.  This is the first night I didn't get dead tired starting at 4 pm and dozing by 8 pm, but I'm starting to feel it.  Those nights at work all to myself did give me some time to do more thinking.  For right now I'm going to give myself the rest of this year to build up some money reserves and listen to my heart about what the next step is.  Once I've regained non-sleepy mode at night I'll get back to my blog reading, and hopefully some writing every once in awhile as well.

Please keep Lauren in your thoughts and prayers and ask that her family finds her.

Tuesday, June 26

Nothing Exciting

Ugh, this is the part of working mid shift/overnights/graveyard that I truly detest, the weekend.  I'm really happy that I find it/have been finding it easy to slip into slumber when I get off my shift and crawl into bed upon arriving home.  What's not so easy is trying to *stay* asleep these past two nights.  I wake up a few hours after crashing and feel wide awake.  I force myself to just lie there and pray for the sandman to help a girl out, but that's not working too well :(  I then try very hard not to take a nap during the day because I'm afraid it will easily roll into a few hours, but yesterday I was successful with only a 20 min nap.  I just don't like feeling half dead and buzzy when I know there's so much I should be doing.  When your brain feels like it's not working on all cylinders though, you don't quite trust it with important things.  Like adoption decisions.  So glad this will be my last week of working that shift and I can get back to my normal day-functioning self by the end of next week or so, God willing!

I have been looking at some of the pics of some adorable little girls waiting that are sent to my inbox.  While they are cute, they don't quite speak to me, but reminds me there are other sweet ones out there (whether Lauren works out or not, or for down the road if a sister is in the grand scheme of things. . .but let's not get too ahead of ourselves!)

So for the moment I sit here and wait, with heavy eyelids ;)
Thanks for the prayers and thoughts, I know they are what has made me feel calm, albeit tired ;)

Sunday, June 24

"Mooommmmm...Crazy's at it again!"

Ok, I'm not crazy, but always looking for validation with what I'm doing.  I really don't want to mess up, and try not to.  Being one of those human beings though, I do.  So right now I'm just really trying to figure out what I'm suppose to be doing.  Now reading other's past posts I was always thinking to myself "why are you always second guessing and questioning yourself.  just do it, it's obvious God's behind you."  Until you're the one who is trying to figure out when and how to bring a whole other life into your own, you start seeing things differently.  Start wondering, what is the right thing and am I doing it.  Am I doing what I'm suppose to, or am I looking to hard for an easy answer that everyone else can see but me.  Like reading through random ado.ption blogs and each post I bring up talks about how God was there financially through their adoption.  Every time they needed the money, the exact amount was there at the exact time they needed it.  Or that they  just bucked up saved every penny they could and held their chin high and asked others for help.


Or when typing in "Lauren" and "Bible Verse" into go.ogle spit out this verse:
Philippians 4:19 () 19 And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.


Or this one:
For with God nothing will be impossible." (Luke 1:37)


How about this one:
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” – Matthew 6:34


And this one:
"But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing." (Psalm 34:10)






I think I need Him to tell me just like He did about the whole adopting thing ;)
I know that this path is never going to be easy, but life isn't easy, right?!?  I can't be assured that everything will always work out, the way I want them too.  Plus I like to make things hard when they can really be super simple.

I do remember the same type of thing last year when I found "Angel" and just broke down sobbing and asking Him if I was her mommy and could he give me some sign.  If I was meant to I'd do what ever He needed to, but I just needed an answer.  Later that day I found through some other blogs that she had a family submitting PA for her and actually did adopt her.  I need that kind of a sign!  And you would probably like it to, so you can stop seeing these posts day after day - LOL! (or maybe not ;) )

This has really weighed heavily on me now for the past few days.  My heart just wants to know what it's suppose to be feeling and my body feels like I've worked out all day and night, while my mind feels hypervigilant.  I'm just so happy that I've been able to sleep a good 7-8 hours after my mid shift is over (I'm covering the mid shift for three weeks for a co-worker who lost his sister :(  Prayers are with him!)

So right now I'm going to ask you all for help.  If you so feel lead would you pray for me?  Pray that He will give me my answer, either way really.  While you are having a conversation with the Lord would you also ask that He looks over "Lauren" and helps her family, whoever that may be to find her and come get her, and for her health and blessings of comfort and His love.  Or if you feel more comfortable just some comforting thoughts, for both "Lauren" and I.  I would be ever so grateful!

The Waiting Child

Here is a video put together by Rainbow Kid's Advocacy Site.

P.S. do you like the music automatically playing (from the mixpod on the bottom of the page) or would you prefer that I disable that and you can turn it on to listen yourself ;)

P.P.S. should you feel like responding, you can do so at the bottom/end of each post.
Click on the "# Comments" (on the example below you would click on the gray "0 Comments")


what is going on in my head and heart.


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Saturday, June 23

Naked Honesty

I recently thanked another mom on another blog for being very real when it came to adopting her girls. It's not always rainbows and lollipops.  *Gasp*  It isn't?!  Yet sometimes bloggers can make it seem this way, only reporting on the positive things.  Maybe to scared to put out there what isn't easy or working well.  Not sure it's in our nature, or perhaps more so our society, to say what is hard or what you struggle with.  Especially I think when it comes to children.  Where parents seem to be frowned upon when they talk about what's not working right, what is hard, or needing help when it comes to their children.  Because obviously they wanted the kids, so it's their own fault.  They should just deal with it and not bring their problems to everyone else.  In this where is the village to raise the child, when the parents are too scared to bring anything up but what is going right.  We don't want to appear as a failure, especially when it comes to our children.  (ok, got a little off tangent there. . .let me get back to where I was originally going with this post. . .)

However, when everything looks like it's going to be the best day each and every day, how does that realistically help me to prepare what is on the other side of adoption.  It seems hard enough (emotionally, mentally and financially) to get to "Family Day" let alone after that moment you are untied with your child.  So some of the blogs that I come across and find that they seem "too good too be true" I stop reading.  Now I'm not expecting total strangers to share each and every detail of their lives with the rest of the world.  If they are going to be in blogland though, it helps to share the not so good with the good, a little honesty if you will.

In that vein I feel I should tell you what I'm going through right now.  It is probably just *big* to me and others may just roll their eyes, shake their heads and move on, but it's part of the process I'm going through.  It will help one day to look back and see where I was (and maybe even roll my eyes, shake my head and laugh at myself) and how far I've come.

I've been spending time looking at waiting children's photos again.  There is an agency that I really like, especially after looking at and requesting info from quite a few last year.  They get rave reviews and seem to be very affordable (well as affordable as you can be when adopting internationally ;) )  They are a non-profit organization based out of CA, but will work with any state for Waiting Children in China.  Of course I would have to go through an agency here locally (that they recommend) for the home study portion.  I joined a few ya.hoo groups last year at the start of this journey.  They are the only agency that I joined a group for as well.  There is also one for single moms and an advocating one as well.  I looked through the pics of children they are "spot lighting" for the time (an agency can advocate for special focus children for three months I believe before they are either sent back to the shared list or another agency can "pick them up" and then advocate for). I saw this cute little girl and the wall behind her was pink--the very color I want for my little girl's room.  It looked like an actual picture you might go get taken, and not just of her head like so many others' can be.  She looked cute, with actual growing hair ;), pretty pink dress, and even a pin head band (I think you know of whom I speaking ;) )  I put her in the back of my mind, because honestly I'm not sure how I'd financially even begin the process yet.  Then I started going through the advocates pictures, and by golly there she was again.  This time I actually looked at her sn's and tried to think what they might entail in day to day home life.

Then I was clicking through links on adoption blogs, and came across her yet again on another advocate blog.  I had mom come over and look at how cute she was.  Then I actually looked up the sn's (special needs), but still not sure how she is doing now. . .like can she walk, will she walk, what would need to be done about the hydro condition.  Then I watched the video.  And I fell in love with her giggles, I'm not sure who wouldn't though.  Then I stopped myself from any further attaching to her.  I can't prove the net worth, my brain says.  Is she the one for me?, my brain says.  Am I the one for her?, my heart says.  She's so precious!, my soul says.

So I go do the nitty gritty of everything that is owed to credit cards and loans.  Ugh!  Though by the same count I have NOT yet gone through everything I'm "worth" to see where I'm sitting in that area.  I think I know what I'll be doing this weekend.  Yes, I know that I have bills to pay down--bad debt, bad ;)  I also looked at my monthly budget and see where even with the debt as it is now, I could "afford" to have a child. Though it would help more to know a reasonable/ball park figure budget of costs for the sn's monthly.  I already figured in the jump in healthcare cost to my paycheck, but what would be beyond that?  I know no one can give me an exact amount or tell me her needs won't change, or any unexpected issues that she may come home with that may need medical or other attention.

There is also the part of me that thinks how much easier it would be to follow my original thought and have the procedure to try and become pregnant.  Heck, the psych consultation that usually precedes it sounds like a cake walk compared to a home study.  I also know that there is no guarantee as to whether or not it would work, that it would go full term, or not have complications afterwards.  I just seems easier in my mind to something I've wanted and don't want to wait for.  But I also know that this is not the plan for me (even if I sound like a crazy lady).  So I ask and pray what am I to do?  How will I know when (s)he's the one I was meant to be a family with?  I feel I could leap a whole better with no net if I knew I would at least "pass" the conditions to ad.opt from China as a single.  But then that's not really the definition of jumping without a net and just trusting Him.  Who knows if I got to that point I may think it's not wise to jump into it without having at least half in savings. . .and then maybe all in savings. . .I mean who'd want to help me, I should do this on my own (I do know I would have help and that I just feel this way sometimes).

Anyways, I went to the group that advocates and asked under her little pic if she was even special focus.  I mean shouldn't even attempt getting any types of hopes up if she wasn't, because then I wouldn't even qualify to adopt her (as a single).  I kind of hoped she wasn't, then I could just say "well it wasn't meant to be."  I went over to watch my nieces for a bit yesterday, and was playing with Sue.  I held her play kitty in my hand while she would scamper across the floor as the "mama kitty" to come get her.  And wouldn't you know it her "scampering" (though mom told me later that's how she pretends to be a kitty, but I'd never seen it before) looked like Lauren's crawling in her video.  Sue would also come over and say "Does Baby want her Mommy?"  Usually she refers to her kitty and herself as "Kitty" so it took me back a bit.  Of course I would answer yes and then she'd scamper on over to love on her and then crawl back across the room to do it all over again.  Now once again I could be looking into something to find answers, but really I was just playing with my niece.  It felt like someone, hmm hmm, maybe was trying to show/tell me something.  Then today when I checked for an answer to my special focus question the answer was "Why yes she is!!"
So this is where I'm at tonight (oh and I'm sure working the mid shift last week, this week and next week are helping me too ;) ):

In two years I feel that I would be in a much better place financially to finally get this ball rolling for real.
Or do I just trust in Him to go ahead and proceed?

I need to figure out my positives in my net worth to see where they balance out with the negatives.
So then I can just trust Him and proceed?

Is she even my daughter?
Do I overthink things or what?  Shouldn't I just know, if I have to ask for so much reassurance, surely she's not.

What exactly does her sn's require?
Duh, maybe you should ask another question on that advocate group.

How do I pay for the whole adoption?
I thought you said you wouldn't entirely worry about that.

I could wait the two painstaking years, but at the same time.  .  .
She's not just a picture, she's a real little girl living on the other side of the world without a Mommy taking care of her.  There is no way I would want her to wait for two more years, I would hope that another family would step forward and add her to their lives.  

Ugh, I just don't know and it's hard and I've got to go get ready for work now and set this to post tomorrow morning, when I'm still at work.  If you read this whole thing, thank you!  Sorry if I rambled on too long, but it's what is going on in my head and heart.

Friday, June 22

Sweetheart

Awww. . .look at this little sweetheart!  The name they've given her to advocate for is "Lauren", this is not her Chinese name nor is it the name the AP would have to give to her either.  She just makes my heart melt :)



Thursday, June 21

Wednesday, June 20

What do you do over there?

     Different countries have different travel requirements for those adopting internationally.  They may require more than one visit, they may require a month visit, or you may not travel to child, but your child to you.  For China they require one parent (whew good thing, cause I'm it ;) ) to travel, and only one visit is necessary.  You are over there for around two weeks.  You may choose to do some sight seeing before the actual adoption process begins, adding a few days to the trip.  Now if you are traveling half way across the world to a country you've never been, you better go see some cool stuff right?!  Well I believe that usually depends on whether or not you are financially able to or not.
   So based on itineraries families have posted and sample ones you can find on the net, here is a very basic sample Adoption Travel Itinerary:

6/3:   Leave for China.  Possibly Hong Kong, Beijing or Guangzhou.  (<--how do you say that?)
6/4:   Arrive at your China destination and go to the hotel.
6/5:   Take a guided tour of the city and points of interest.
6/6:   More touring of the city.
6/7:   Fly to the capital city of your child's Province.  (You may still be physically hours away from your
        child.)
6/8:   Gotcha/Family Day (still not sure how I'm going to refer to it)!  Meet your child and sign Guardianship            paperwork.
6/9:   Finalize the adoption by going to the Provincial government office for Adoption Registration and
         Notarization.
6/10:  While waiting for the adoption paperwork to be completed you can tour the city, shop or rest.
6/11:  Still waiting for paperwork. . .so same as yesterday.  May even be able to visit your child's SWI
          (remember that's Social Welfare Institute or orphanage.)
6/12:  Receive your child's passport and fly/travel to Guangzhou, where the US Consulate is located, and go
          to the hotel.
6/13:  Medical exam for child's Visa and children over the age of 2 will also get a TB test.
6/14:  Rest day which can include touring of the city.
6/15:  TB test results are read.
6/16:  Go to the US Consulate to take the oath.
6/17:  Receive your child's Visa.
6/18:  Fly back home!  (And remember since your flying back you usually arrive the same day that you left
         China, even though it's been tens of hours ;)

You can always look at the blogs of people in China right now, or who have been to see what the trip actually entailed for them, and what our big trip might look like :)

Actually here's one I found of an actual one:

Wed – afternoon:  board a plane to China at 2 PM
Thur  – 11:20 PM: Land in Beijing.
Fri/Sat – Sight see.  Great Wall of China, the Forbidden City, Tienanmen Square, and Temple of Heaven
Sun – Fly to Nanning, Guangxi.  
Mon – Gotcha Day – Go to the Civil Affairs Department in the afternoon and meet our child.
Tues –Adoption Day – Go back to the Civil Affairs Department and fill out adoption registration (paperwork).
Wed/Thurs – :  Sight see in Nanning.  See location where child was found.  There is a small possibility we could spend some time with the foster mom .
Fri –   Pick up child’s passport and fly to Guangzhou
Sat –   Get medical exams done and visa photo taken for US consulate
Sun –   Free day
Mon –   Consulate appointment in morning.
Tues –:  Pick up child's visa in the afternoon
Wed –   Take a train to Hong Kong
Thurs –   Fly home.  One leg of our journey is 15 1/2 hrs on a plane.  

Tuesday, June 19

She's My Brown Eyed Girl

. . .and she's halfway across the world
. . .and I don't know who she is yet
. . .and I can't wait to meet her
. . .and I know God already know's the details and the plan
. . .but I do know her name!

Not her Chinese name, but the first name I will give her.

When I was younger my two favorite names I was going to name my children if they turned out to be daughters, were based off my two favorite characters, from my two favorite book series.  One of the names now seems so old-fashioned, but still dear and sweet.  The other, well it has taken a very cool place in my life.  My cousin has that name, and she is also my first Goddaughter.  My second niece has the name for her middle name, and she is my second Goddaughter.  So even though I'm not going to use it, both my "daughters" have that name and I find that so cool!!!

There have been many names that I've liked over the years, and two years back when I started this very real journey I committed myself to two names for each gender.  Both a first and middle name.  Now I have the same initials as my daddy, and Mimi and Grandma share the same middle name which has been passed down to Sue as well.  KK's name was picked out by Daddy.  So, we all have something very special that connects us as a family, well to me anyways.  As I was trying to narrow down the other three names (the first girl name I've liked for awhile), I decided that I would make sure both first and last names have the same amount of letters as mine does.  Seven for the first and five for the middle, so twelve all together.  And my first girl name did as well.  Perfect, I found the names that I truly liked and fit the bill.

Last year when I decided to adopt from China I started to wonder about that name.  I even faltered for a bit about going entirely different route with her name.  The middle name I had chose, I wasn't sure if it was right for a little girl from China.  Then as I did more reading, I decided that I should keep part of her Chinese name.  Whether it is her first, middle or both Chinese names, it will become her new middle name.  Her first name however will remain the original first name I'm in love with. I can't even tell you when, why or how I came to love it or why it became my first choice for a baby girl name.  Every other name choice I can tell you. . .the original middle name is of the country I've always wanted to visit.


When I was at a Christian Book Store looking for a Confirmation picture frame for my eldest Goddaughter I came across something so perfect for a certain nursery/toddler room that I had to buy it (along with said picture frame :) )  Now it was not meant as a name plaque or anything, but for my little one, it will be.  When I refer to her on the blog however I'm just going to use "G" (without the quotation marks) as I don't want her name (at this point) "out there", and I'm not even sure why exactly.  I just ask if you refer to her, as of right now for the crazy lady ;), just use G as well, thanks for indulging me :)
Without further ado (because let's face it, you've waited long enough.  unless you sneaked a peek first. . .ok, ok, this has been more ado--sorry!!!), G's first name:


Monday, June 18

What's in a Name?

Okay, so back in February I neglected to blog about something very big that will be happening in China in regards to the naming of orp.hans.  Up until now (and I guess until later this year) all orphans were given a very distinctive surname that would forever label them as having been an orphan.  It is hard enough for the children who are not adopted to create a life for themselves once they are on their own, let alone with a last name that tells everyone that you were abandoned.  The last names they were given would either have to do with the place they were found or political party.  Now a last name would be chosen from the top 100 common surnames in China and given to the found child.  You can read more about it here.  Or watch this clip from C.N.N.

Sunday, June 17

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day, Daddy!



One of my favorite memories is when from when I was 8, I believe, and it was prom time.  We would watch the limos go by on the street behind the house and ask where all the fancy cars were going.  Mommy told us that they were high schoolers going to prom.  Shortly after that we were having our own prom.  Mommy and KK (all of 1 years old) made our dinner and manned the tunes.  Mimi and I got gussied up in Mommy's old bridesmaid dresses, and Daddy was all dressed up as our date.  We danced and had so much fun!  I even remember walking down the street to Grandma and Grandpa S's house, still in our dresses, to tell them of what fun we just had.

Thanks for being my prom date Daddy :)  And for the fun memory!!!

Tuesday, June 12

I'm baaack ;)

I figured since it had been a month since my last post I'd better get back to writing.

What a month it has been too. . .
...there was Mother's Day.  We were doing our Disney Nights, and so Mimi recreated the Ohanas dinner.  Super yummy dinner, and what a great daughter making it on her own Mother's Day.  Don't worry, she had volunteered to do it ;)  That night I went outside to look for my little one and my stars in the sky.  I found one of them, in the whole night sky. . .one!  I took that as my Mother's Day gift from a little one far away :)

Then there was Moo's 2nd Birthday.  Both Moo and Sue had their birthday party on her actual birthday.  I can't believe she is two already.  She's such a little cheese, very polite, and sweet girl.  She is at that age of 2 though. . .

Two days later was Sue's 4th Birthday.  As the eldest niece she'll be the hardest to believe how old she is, no matter what age she turns.  She loves to put on a show, kittens, and is oh so loveable!  She was so excited about knowing that shortly after her birthday we would be going on vacation.  After all, her mommy promised her!

Then the Saturday after the girls' birthdays we were on the road to Disney World.  Oh, what a wonderful trip!  I loved getting to do Disney with the little girls.  Especially Moo always running ahead saying, "come on!" on the paths at our resort.  We stayed at the beautiful and calming Polynesian Resort, and had seven nights of magical bliss!





Now that I'm back, I'm in between deciding how to write up a Trip Report from our trip, needing to read through e-mails from adoption online groups (since I'm very far behind), catching up on adoption blogs, and needing to write on my own.  There is also the need to start reading my books I've bought for adoption topics, conditioning so I can be ready to train for a half marathon (yeah, sooo not a runner. . .but Princesses and Pixie Dust can really make you think about it), work on losing weight, and work on a more detailed plan on how to get my little one home.


Even though I'm home from vacation and the magic, I feel like there is still so much to be excited about and to get ready for!!!  That surely helps with the post Disney Blues ;)

Saturday, May 12

Hiatus

So sorry for the long break. . .and please bear with me for another couple weeks.  Been busy being excited and getting ready for the vacation :)  Plus a niece's baptism, a Goddaughter's confirmation, next Mother's Day, and then two girls' birthdays!!!  Work's been a little crazy with things happening, but not yet. . .  Once I'm back from the World I'll be back to spending days time reading adoption blogs, books, and continuing as I can at this point on my journey.

I do have some exciting news that a friend has become a stylist with Stella & Dot.  It's pretty new here, as I had never heard of it until she brought it up.  They do have some very cool pieces and something for everybody (or so I think so ;) ).  I know the brand/company is pretty prevalent on the coasts here, but if you'd like to check it out for yourself go here :)

Happy Mother's Day to all you Mommy, Mama, and Mothers out there. . .past, present and future ;)

Sunday, April 8

Happy Easter!

John 3:16-17
"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life. "For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world should be saved through Him.

Is there ever a better time for this extremely popular verse?!  It's so great to feel so loved and so worthy!  Thank you God for giving us Your Son, and thank you Jesus for giving us Your Life!!!!


Happy Easter Little One if you are out there!  (though technically at this time I guess it would be midnight--so now Monday--where you are.)  Mommy sent Easter wishes for you early this morning for her and early afternoon on Easter Day for you.

Thursday, March 29

Feels Good :)

When I get an email from Rainbow Kids and it has a child that matches my profile, I follow the link.  There is a quick synopsis of the child as well as a picture (usually) of the little one.  The ones that manage to tug at my heart (and it doesn't take much ;) ) I "add to my rainbow kids".  Then there is a tab you can go to that will list all the children that you have marked as such.  Then when they are matched they are taken back off the site and therefore no longer in my tab of kids.  So when I go to said tab and see no children in there it makes me happy.  Happy to know that their family has found them and that soon enough they will be loved and cared for in their very own family.  Though I also know that it could be they were moved from an agency specific list to perhaps another agency's list, or even back to the shared list.  But I just hope it is a family and pray that they will have a happy life.

Wonder if my little one will be found through RK or put there through the agency.  If so, it will be the sweetest "feel good" when they are removed from the list because I will be approved to be their mommy :)

Tuesday, March 27

It's All a Blur

Or so it seems like that is how this past month has gone.

Two weeks I covered for our midshift person due to losses in his family.  And while I only had to cover for 7 hours a night vs. our normal 10 hour shift, it's tough.  Being at work during the hours I'm normally asleep, and then trying to sleep during the day.  Yeah, waking up a few hours after finally falling asleep and having my brain think of things to do since it's daylight outside does not lead to more restful sleep.  I worked that shift this past week and am thankful to have three days off because I just got a semi-normal night's sleep last night.  Then tomorrow morning it's back to work at 6 am--ugh!  Glad I have the shift I do, not sure I'd survive too well the midnight/mids/3rd shift.

Now that the house has sold and I'm moved in for the most part, my focus has shifted to starting to get excited for our vacation coming up at the end of May--whoo hoo!!!  Really can't wait to see the World through the little one's eyes :)  It will be fun to hang out with them and use them as a great excuse to get in some rest during the smoldering afternoons.  Just hoping it's not too super hot and humid while we are down there visiting the Castle and Mouse.

I'm sure these next two months will fly by as well, as it leads up to our Sunshine State visit.  Let's see we have Easter, Sister's Birthday, Niece's Baptism, Goddaughter's Confirmation, Mother's Day, and the other two Nieces' Birthdays to go.  I'm sure I forgot something in there as well. . . :(

Not a real exciting update, but one none the less ;)  Hope the month of March is going well for you, if not so fast!!!

Sunday, March 4

The Sick and The Unpacking

Ugh, I have had both the stomach flu and now this head cold/sore throat deal since Thursday.  Luckily, I guess, they've taken turns and where the stomach flu ended the sinus crud took off.  It stinks knowing that when I use sick hours at work I'm taking away some hours that could be turned into paid Leave of Absence time later.  But when you really need to be by a bathroom, I'd prefer to be home vs. at work and walking across a call center floor to use one.

I spent some time last evening and now today cleaning and unpacking more things.  Finding new homes for my things and deciding if it's worth keeping or putting in a garage sale, not my favorite things to do, but I'll feel so much better once everything has a home.  For now the bathroom is done, and I think all my kitchen items have been integrated in.  More rooms need to be done, but I'll get there.

I plan to take Moo out for awhile tomorrow, and peruse some hobby shops, even if it is only to look :)  Then do something, not sure what yet, for my b-day on Tuesday (when it's going to be a high of 70--whoo hoo my favorite type of temp/weather).  Then haul Sue to Trader Joes and perhaps Whole Foods on Wednesday.  It's great being an aunt, especially when you can take them one-on-one for some fun outside of the house :)

Tuesday, February 28

It's A Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow, Just a Dream Away!

A LOT has happened in the past two weeks!

Two Saturday nights ago after I got off of work Dad and one of his brothers (my uncle :) ) came over using another brother (uncle's) truck.  We loaded, they transported and unloaded three loads worth of boxes and smaller furniture over to the "new" house.  This definitely helped when it came to the professional movers in keeping costs down.  Then both sisters came over and we played some Apples to Apples, played Wii games, and watched most of SNL before they had to hit the road.

Last Sunday I worked on getting more things ready and moved out during the day and in the evening had the family over for a lasagna dinner.  The last big family dinner in the house, by my family anyways.  Mom went around and shot pictures while we showed the baby around the basement since she had never been :)

Then Monday arrived and Dad helped while the movers came over and took all the furniture out of the house and moved it over, leaving me with an air mattress and tv in the bedroom, some floor lamps, but still plenty of things from drawers, closets and cabinets to box up.  I enjoyed my evenings for the most part, but pretty much being contained to one room wasn't all it was cracked up to be.  It was nice closure though and I'm glad I stayed those nights.

This past Friday night after work I picked Sue up for a sleep over.  We went to a craft store where she got a lady bug and a small pink Easter basket for it's bed.  She enjoyed a lunchable, at her request, for dinner; as well as running around the floor lamps in the living room.  Then she swam around in the pink bath tub for one last time, before going to sleep on a sleeping bag in the room her grandma (my mom) grew up in. Saturday morning we went to see Pooh's movie at the movie theater for their children's film series.  It was bunches of fun.  Then for me it was back to the salt mines of packing up.

That evening I took my last bath in the pink tub as well.  I've really come to love baths, especially if you can sit and soak in them.  And that bath had the perfect slant to lay back against without being painful.  I will miss you pink tub!

Sunday brought Sunday School and the official last chance moving day.  Everything was going into boxes and moved into the kitchen/kitchenette area.  I swept the hardwood floors in each room one last time, knowing I'll miss how the light bounced off them and the beautiful light wear and tear that showed a family once lived there.  Mom came over and by late afternoon we were each doing a car load to take to the house, so that the new owner could do a walk through.  Drats if I didn't remember the wrong time and there they were as we were getting the last of things in the car for the trip.  For some people maybe meeting the new owners gives a sense of closure, but I did not want to see/meet them at all.  But there was the realtor and the people.  After asking something about the house and I answered we trekked out of there.

Now once I was given the all clear by my realtor we were going to go back and have one last meal there, and then load up three vehicles for one last move.  Apparently the new owner was worried that I wouldn't have enough time to get my things out and clean before I was suppose to be out.  Really not sure how they came to that conclusion.  The kitchen and back room downstairs were the only rooms with really anything substantial in them, and that was because they were awaiting transport out.  All I needed to do was clean down the kitchen counters once more, sweep and clean the living room and kitchen floors and vacuum the carpet downstairs.  By that time I was just done.  We had seen who was moving in, so I guess it was good if not just to know it was "real".  It felt like driving back from WDW and getting to the last two hours and just wanting it done, just to be home, vacation could just be done.  I was done, physically and emotionally drained.

I said good-bye to the Avenue at 9 pm. As I walked out to the car from the garage, after leaving the house keys on the kitchen cabinet, I looked up to the sky.  I seriously have not seen that many stars in such a long time.  The ones we usually see were extremely brilliant, while there were other ones I normally don't see an they were much lighter but very much there.  And it calmed me.  As I took Pumpkin out before she retired for the evening, I again took towards the stars.  That night they reminded me of the way the stars, moon and sky looked in Hawaii.  Like perfect diamonds scattered along a midnight blue crushed velvet background.  I've missed that night sky since we left the islands.  But there it was again, and I felt Him reminding me of the promises He's always kept.  That it was with good reason I made this important move, so that I can continue down this path, hard as it may be sometimes.

Yesterday, as I was heading down the street to watch the nieces, I looked to the day sky.  (I know you are thinking, she has gone nuts! ;))  I have never seen so many traces left in the sky of planes that have gone by, and two planes in the distant leaving the mark as well.  So of course, planes would be the way to my child, that's certainly what it must mean ;)  It made me feel lighter of course, as well as when my realtor (who by the way if you are looking for one, or need a recommendation I can highly recommend her and her team!!!!) let me know that the house was officially sold.

Then today I checked my account online it showed the mortgage was paid in full (much like we are) and that surprisingly made me feel like a weight, one I wasn't aware of, was also taken off my shoulders.  I also found my jeans that had gone missing on me, and I've been frantic to find, so I plan to go pick up Sue get some weekly shopping done and let her play while I unpack more.  Tomorrow it's back to the normal work week, and hopefully it's a much less emotionally charged week.  I'll still be physically sore, but that's a good thing I think ;)

Here's to the new road ahead!

Sunday, February 12

Some Post Changes

You may, or may not, notice that in some words, especially those like ch.ina and ado.ption have "." in the middle of the words.  This helps to protect my blog to some extent from types of people who I may not want finding, reading and commenting on my blog.  I realize that it may be preventing other people from finding it by using a search engine, but unfortunately it's a step I feel the need to take to be able to share without worrying so much what some people may have to negatively say about this journey I'm on.  This is also why some of the "tags" have changed as well including the "." in the wording.  Also why I have to approve a comment you may make on the blog.  On a positive note, in doing all of this I realized that some posts that were set to post in May, never did.  So there are "new" posts for you all to enjoy :)

With a LOT of Daddy's help I was able to get a door changed out, paint chips cleaned up and spots outdoors (in the freezing temps) painted up, drywall hung to cover insulation that was put up in the unused square footage (grr), and finding two more outlet covers other than the one I found that needed to be put on in the laundry room.  So now waiting for the loan approval lady to come back through and approve what was done, at least the house appraised for at least the purchase price.

Two more weeks are all that I have left in my home :(  I'm really going to miss those hard wood floors, the pink bathtub which is great to read and soak in, and my favorite original lighting fixture in the hallway.  I will not miss the actual moving part, especially when a certain moving company of a couple of guys and their vehicle quoted me 540 dollars just to move the furniture---HOLY COW!!!  Anyways I need to make an appointment this week to go sign my set of papers, and also get my hair cut back up to my shoulders as well.  Tonight as well as tomorrow I need to start packing up the items I still have at home, and stay in from the snow :)

It's also sad to hear that another 80's icon passed away:(  I love her music, especially when I was younger.  I can still remember singing along to her with middle sister on my Fisher Price red microphone that Aunt S got me for a birthday.  Tapping your fingers on it along with the beat, just like she did :)

Kisses in the Wind

***Originally was suppose to post in May, not sure what happened***

KISSES IN THE WIND    (The Waiting Child's Lullabye)

I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.

I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.

Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...
Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.

Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.
But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I send to you each night.

--- © Pamela Durkota, written for Josh

1 Samuel 1:27

***Originally was suppose to post in May, not sure what happened***

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.

Proverbs 25:25

***Originally was suppose to post in May, not sure what happened***

Like cold water to a weary soul, is good news from a distant land.

The Gift of Life

***Originally was suppose to post in May, not sure what happened***

I didn't give you the gift of life,
But in my heart I know.
The love I feel is deep and real,
As if it had been so.

For us to have each other
Is like a dream come true!
No, I didn't give you 
The gift of life,
Life gave me the gift of you.
--- Unknown

Mommy Jewelry

***Originally was suppose to post in May, not sure what happened***

Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, 
But still miraculously my own. 
Never forget for a single minute, 
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it 
--- Fleur Conkling Heylinger

How Could You Know?

***Originally was suppose to post in May, not sure what happened*** 


As you lay sleeping far away as still as you could be... 
How could you know the joy today this photo brings to me?

A few short weeks and you'll be mine, and "I" will soon be "We". 
How could you know the love I feel? It's something you can't see.

So have sweet dreams, my precious babe. Sleep well and tenderly. 
Some say that you're the lucky one. How could you know it's me? 
--- Kris Laughlin

Monday, February 6

Stars

Ever since December when I found my way back to adoption, I have marveled nightly at the stars.  How beautiful and bright and plenty they are.  Especially in winter when the night sky is more chill and clear.  Even when there have been clouds at dusk they always seem to clear out before my last check of the skies, for the stars to do their twinkling act for me.  And every night I have thought of my daughter across the globe.

I wonder if she's born or still being knit in the womb.  I wonder if she's still with her birth parents or have they safely hidden her in her finding place.  I wonder if she's in a crib in a SWI (social welfare institute/orphanage) or with a foster family. I wonder if she feels lost and her heart is breaking or if she feels safe and loved wherever she is.  I wonder if she if well fed or does her tummy growl.  I wonder if she's been outside or seen the stars.  I wonder a lot of things.  I also think to the time when I'll be there with her and looking up at the same big sky and those same beautiful stars and think back to this time before it all began. . .back in the beginning when the stars were what I had to connect to her with.

It all makes me think of the song from American Tail, when they were separated but thinking of each other.  Also the song that I want to make part of my nursery that also reminds me of Disney.  Then when I looked up "star" in mandarin I found this song, Little Star:

Twinkle twinkle bright
The sky is full of little stars
Hanging in the bright sky
They look like many small eyes
Twinkle twinkle bright
The sky is full of little stars

And now I can look to the sky at night and see my baby's eyes looking back at me :)

Sunday, February 5

Fast and Slow

I remember when I was younger how long the days were until a next holiday, birthday, vacation, it seemed to take forever to get there.  At the same time when you were playing with toys, family members, or friends that time was over too quickly.  Much is the same today.  Time doing things I'd rather not do like yard work, cleaning the bathroom, going to work on some days seem to take f-o-r-e-v-e-r.  Where as time spent checking blogs, reading a good book, hanging out with family, vacations seem to be over as soon as they are started.

However, with each year aged the next year seems to fly by even faster.  I mean, here it is already February of 2012.  I am now out about three weeks from the closing on the house, four months from seeing Cinderella's Castle down from ten, and a month away from being another year older.  Then there is starting a family of my own and that still feels like an eternity away from now.  Forever before I even start the process, let alone travel to China to meet my child.  Though I'm sure once that whole process gets started it will be filled with a lot of hurry up and wait as well.

I guess the important thing to remember is that it's all in God's time, and His timing is perfect :)

Sunday, January 29

Feeling More Real

Tuesday night as I was grabbing the mail at the end of the driveway and as I started to look up to the stars in the dark cool night, I saw it.  It wasn't there earlier in the day, but since coming home from Mom and Dad's there it was.  The Sold sign had been bagged over the for sale sign.  I knew that it would be coming, so it wasn't too much of a shock to the system.  Still, a little sad though.

The lady went through the house on Thursday while I was at work.  She has up to seven working days before the report is required to be done.  For this loan inspection we will find out if the house appraised at or above the purchase price (but not the exact amount they appraised it for).  Also whatever they find not up to par, so to speak, I will have to have fixed in order for them to approve his loan, and therefore the sale of the house. Fingers crossed all goes well in that respect.

Thursday night after coming home from work, once again I was grabbing my mail.  There were two pieces of mail that made this process seem a little too real.  There was the buyer's name on two pieces of mail, both from probably his home insurance company.  That I wasn't ready for.  That hurt my heart to see another name with my address. That didn't feel quite right, having mail at my house while I still own it for another month.  I'm sure it was just sent since that the home that he is going to need to insure, but still painful to the current owner.

I looked through some boxes that I had packed up and at Mom and Dad's to find the adoption books that I had purchased, but had not yet read.  So Mom is reading one, while I have the other one at the house and read.  It's nice to have my own little book club so we can discuss what we read, and it's nice to know another main child care giver will have read up on the same things I have too :)  Thanks Mom!  Now I'll just have to look for other recommendations of books to read about international adoption and/or special needs adoption.