Saturday, June 23

Naked Honesty

I recently thanked another mom on another blog for being very real when it came to adopting her girls. It's not always rainbows and lollipops.  *Gasp*  It isn't?!  Yet sometimes bloggers can make it seem this way, only reporting on the positive things.  Maybe to scared to put out there what isn't easy or working well.  Not sure it's in our nature, or perhaps more so our society, to say what is hard or what you struggle with.  Especially I think when it comes to children.  Where parents seem to be frowned upon when they talk about what's not working right, what is hard, or needing help when it comes to their children.  Because obviously they wanted the kids, so it's their own fault.  They should just deal with it and not bring their problems to everyone else.  In this where is the village to raise the child, when the parents are too scared to bring anything up but what is going right.  We don't want to appear as a failure, especially when it comes to our children.  (ok, got a little off tangent there. . .let me get back to where I was originally going with this post. . .)

However, when everything looks like it's going to be the best day each and every day, how does that realistically help me to prepare what is on the other side of adoption.  It seems hard enough (emotionally, mentally and financially) to get to "Family Day" let alone after that moment you are untied with your child.  So some of the blogs that I come across and find that they seem "too good too be true" I stop reading.  Now I'm not expecting total strangers to share each and every detail of their lives with the rest of the world.  If they are going to be in blogland though, it helps to share the not so good with the good, a little honesty if you will.

In that vein I feel I should tell you what I'm going through right now.  It is probably just *big* to me and others may just roll their eyes, shake their heads and move on, but it's part of the process I'm going through.  It will help one day to look back and see where I was (and maybe even roll my eyes, shake my head and laugh at myself) and how far I've come.

I've been spending time looking at waiting children's photos again.  There is an agency that I really like, especially after looking at and requesting info from quite a few last year.  They get rave reviews and seem to be very affordable (well as affordable as you can be when adopting internationally ;) )  They are a non-profit organization based out of CA, but will work with any state for Waiting Children in China.  Of course I would have to go through an agency here locally (that they recommend) for the home study portion.  I joined a few ya.hoo groups last year at the start of this journey.  They are the only agency that I joined a group for as well.  There is also one for single moms and an advocating one as well.  I looked through the pics of children they are "spot lighting" for the time (an agency can advocate for special focus children for three months I believe before they are either sent back to the shared list or another agency can "pick them up" and then advocate for). I saw this cute little girl and the wall behind her was pink--the very color I want for my little girl's room.  It looked like an actual picture you might go get taken, and not just of her head like so many others' can be.  She looked cute, with actual growing hair ;), pretty pink dress, and even a pin head band (I think you know of whom I speaking ;) )  I put her in the back of my mind, because honestly I'm not sure how I'd financially even begin the process yet.  Then I started going through the advocates pictures, and by golly there she was again.  This time I actually looked at her sn's and tried to think what they might entail in day to day home life.

Then I was clicking through links on adoption blogs, and came across her yet again on another advocate blog.  I had mom come over and look at how cute she was.  Then I actually looked up the sn's (special needs), but still not sure how she is doing now. . .like can she walk, will she walk, what would need to be done about the hydro condition.  Then I watched the video.  And I fell in love with her giggles, I'm not sure who wouldn't though.  Then I stopped myself from any further attaching to her.  I can't prove the net worth, my brain says.  Is she the one for me?, my brain says.  Am I the one for her?, my heart says.  She's so precious!, my soul says.

So I go do the nitty gritty of everything that is owed to credit cards and loans.  Ugh!  Though by the same count I have NOT yet gone through everything I'm "worth" to see where I'm sitting in that area.  I think I know what I'll be doing this weekend.  Yes, I know that I have bills to pay down--bad debt, bad ;)  I also looked at my monthly budget and see where even with the debt as it is now, I could "afford" to have a child. Though it would help more to know a reasonable/ball park figure budget of costs for the sn's monthly.  I already figured in the jump in healthcare cost to my paycheck, but what would be beyond that?  I know no one can give me an exact amount or tell me her needs won't change, or any unexpected issues that she may come home with that may need medical or other attention.

There is also the part of me that thinks how much easier it would be to follow my original thought and have the procedure to try and become pregnant.  Heck, the psych consultation that usually precedes it sounds like a cake walk compared to a home study.  I also know that there is no guarantee as to whether or not it would work, that it would go full term, or not have complications afterwards.  I just seems easier in my mind to something I've wanted and don't want to wait for.  But I also know that this is not the plan for me (even if I sound like a crazy lady).  So I ask and pray what am I to do?  How will I know when (s)he's the one I was meant to be a family with?  I feel I could leap a whole better with no net if I knew I would at least "pass" the conditions to ad.opt from China as a single.  But then that's not really the definition of jumping without a net and just trusting Him.  Who knows if I got to that point I may think it's not wise to jump into it without having at least half in savings. . .and then maybe all in savings. . .I mean who'd want to help me, I should do this on my own (I do know I would have help and that I just feel this way sometimes).

Anyways, I went to the group that advocates and asked under her little pic if she was even special focus.  I mean shouldn't even attempt getting any types of hopes up if she wasn't, because then I wouldn't even qualify to adopt her (as a single).  I kind of hoped she wasn't, then I could just say "well it wasn't meant to be."  I went over to watch my nieces for a bit yesterday, and was playing with Sue.  I held her play kitty in my hand while she would scamper across the floor as the "mama kitty" to come get her.  And wouldn't you know it her "scampering" (though mom told me later that's how she pretends to be a kitty, but I'd never seen it before) looked like Lauren's crawling in her video.  Sue would also come over and say "Does Baby want her Mommy?"  Usually she refers to her kitty and herself as "Kitty" so it took me back a bit.  Of course I would answer yes and then she'd scamper on over to love on her and then crawl back across the room to do it all over again.  Now once again I could be looking into something to find answers, but really I was just playing with my niece.  It felt like someone, hmm hmm, maybe was trying to show/tell me something.  Then today when I checked for an answer to my special focus question the answer was "Why yes she is!!"
So this is where I'm at tonight (oh and I'm sure working the mid shift last week, this week and next week are helping me too ;) ):

In two years I feel that I would be in a much better place financially to finally get this ball rolling for real.
Or do I just trust in Him to go ahead and proceed?

I need to figure out my positives in my net worth to see where they balance out with the negatives.
So then I can just trust Him and proceed?

Is she even my daughter?
Do I overthink things or what?  Shouldn't I just know, if I have to ask for so much reassurance, surely she's not.

What exactly does her sn's require?
Duh, maybe you should ask another question on that advocate group.

How do I pay for the whole adoption?
I thought you said you wouldn't entirely worry about that.

I could wait the two painstaking years, but at the same time.  .  .
She's not just a picture, she's a real little girl living on the other side of the world without a Mommy taking care of her.  There is no way I would want her to wait for two more years, I would hope that another family would step forward and add her to their lives.  

Ugh, I just don't know and it's hard and I've got to go get ready for work now and set this to post tomorrow morning, when I'm still at work.  If you read this whole thing, thank you!  Sorry if I rambled on too long, but it's what is going on in my head and heart.

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