Tuesday, April 29

Clarity to Complexity

I enjoy the excitement and peace over knowing what I'm working towards in life right now.  The chance to become a mommy, to a little girl named Grace.

Though I do have to say that it's also made some things less clear.  Not that I control how long things take anways, but there's the not knowing of how long it may take to get to her.  Meaning outside of the time that it takes to get through a homestudy, be approved by the agency, approved by our government, approved by China, approved to travel to go do the actual adoption portion.  How long will it be to get to that point of actually getting to hold her?

Plus there's the whole how will I "find" her?  Will I see her face on an advocate's blog?  Will she be with a particular agency and that's the one I will choose (agency)?  Will I find an agency and then find she is listed with a partnership orphanage/SWI (social welfare institute)?  Will I choose an agency and then they will find her once the shared lists come out?

I could sort of picture what a biological child would look like, granted there are many wild cards there as well.  The only thing I know is that she will be a girl.  Will she have dark black hair, or will her "special need" be albinism and her hair without any pigmentation?  Will she have two eyes?  Will they be able to see me visually or will she "see" through touch?  Will her need be something obvious to the world, or will it be internal?  Will she be a year old, four or somewhere between, or none of the above?  What province will she be in?

Will she be in a SWI, with a foster family, or a care center (like Maria's Big House of Hope)?  What will her given name be, what will her middle name be?  What will her sweet face look like?

There's also the unknowns that we will most likely never know, she and I.  Was she truly unwanted?  Or was she loved, but her parents/mother could not take care of her/afford the care she needed?  Was it like this for her birth family to leave her?  Did they travel far to get her somewhere "safe" enough that someone would find her relatively quickly?  Does she have any biological siblings?  Did her China family name her?  How long did they keep her with them?  What is her birthday (other than the one that is estimated for her at intake/dr review)?  What does her biological family do to make a living and where do they live?

What I do know is that there is a lot more for me to learn, books to read, and classes to eventually take.  Keeping faith in Him and asking Him to break my heart for what breaks His.

One step at a time.  Keeping on with getting debt paid off!

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