Tuesday, April 15

Him and I

Though trusting is hard, being at peace is nice.  Trusting Him shouldn't be so hard, but I let it be.  I'd like to say "I" made this decision, but I actually arrived at it by finally listening and not just to the part I wanted to hear.  While I could be thinking how I've lost years, I know I'm right on track.  He knew it woud take me this long, and He patiently waited for me.  Not a virtue that I come by easily, but am trying to learn.  What greater teacher than God to help me with this lesson.  I'm ready to share here.  I actually worked through it on the ride home, that tonight I would type it up and press "Publish."  I feel it's my final step in this part to the journey, and soon after I got home I feel I have the confirmation* that this is right.

***Fair warning as I think this post may run long (so if I'm saying it's going to be long. . .) and will also contain some TMI.  No more than I've shared before, and probably the last one for a long while (of TMI, not blogging.)***

I'm going to adopt.  Yes, I know I've said that before.  Yes, I know that was the reason for the start of this blog.  Yes, I know that was darn near three years ago.  But remember, I'm not as worried about time as I have been.  I just wanted to put that out there, just in case you may have been worried where this post was going.  I didn't want you to start skimming ahead to find out what the heck I was trying to say.  After all I did start out saying this could run a bit long.  No, I'm not in the process as we speak.  I can give you my timeline of how I think things may work out, but we all know how my timelines can go, and that He is ultimately in charge of the timeline.  And as of right now, I'm good with letting Him be.

  So as you know I've been waffling back and forth.  I was going down the pathway of my life when after my conversation with Friend led me to the "Mother" fork in the road.  Since there was no fella in my life, of whom I was a blushing bride to, I headed down the "Choice Mom/Single Mother by Choice" pathway.  Now the next (simplified for this story) fork in the road was how this child of mine would come into my life, how would I obtain that "mommy" status, "Adoption" or "Biological."  As you all know I started skipping on down the "Biological" path.  Then about two years later God told me, "Adopt" and that "your daughter is in China."  I ran back to the fork in the road and this time started dancing down the "Adoption" path.  After some decisions were made and I sold my house I backed myself to the fork and headed back down "Biological."

Last year I got further than ever, as close as I could without actually getting there (again simplified version) and had my first and only IUI.  Then it didn't happen, as it doesn't most first times, and I wasn't pregnant.  I got a little sad there about it not happening and then worried about monies and how I would be able to actually make it happen, and a little scared that I wasn't listening to Him and that whole adoption thing.  Before I pulled out the Christmas decorations I put most of the newborn things. . .clothes, onsies, swaddlers, cloth diapers into plastic storage containers and under the stairs.  I brought up G's things and put them in the nursery.  Once New Year's came around I couldn't get the thought of those adorable newborn cloth diapers and all the teeny tiny things I had just waiting for a little bundle of my own.  But I wanted to stay true to my goal, and be open to adoption or biological.

Soon before this cycle started, I started really looking into bio baby again.  I pulled out all my prescription receipts and billing statements from the clinic.  I looked up the current prices for the genetic material that would be required--the cryobanks' prices usually go up every year.  I crunched numbers, I even posted them here, and I reworked my budget sheets for each check.  I then made a decision.  I would go forward with trying IUIs again this summer.  I came up with the number of times I would try (3 if you were wondering) and if it didn't work then I would move on to adoption.  I figured I could sock enough away to get the process started, and then depending on how long it took/if I could acheive pregnancy I would then continue to taking that money (which I tried to figure would work out to be insurance costs, child care and daily needs monies that I would need monthly and start using that as the "baby fund") to pay for the prenatal and birth.

I read that book, Making Babies A Proven 3-Month Program, and using that and the fertility smoothie to get ideas for how to make eggs good canidates.  I started buying some supplements and the ingredients for that darned smoothie.  I started eating organic and even not worrying as much about the grocery budget if I could buy "healthy" enough foods to create the best environment for baby to start off in.  Plus, I would be needing those three months to lose weight, because I just knew they'd weigh me when I did come back to the clinic.

There's the set up to the beginnning of this cycle.  Now I can walk you through how I got back to adoption.
*This marks the end of this side of the cassette.  Please turn over to continue with side B.*  (That's right.  Tapes!)

This cycle began February 27th.  I began forcing down those fertility smoothies and temping first thing in the morning.  I got back into my Fertility Friend account that I had put on hold.  I started popping prenatal pills and slowing working maca back into my life to see if I could handle it in a powder form vs. the capsule form I had last year.  I was glad I had checked and saw I had plenty of internet cheapie and smiley face ovulation predictor strips before making that purchase.  When I knew it should be about that time I started testing.  Then I got that dang horrid cold followed by back to back break outs/flare ups of my skin issue/hive deals/bubblies.  Still no double solid lines or smiley face.  Though I'm pretty sure I got pretty close to the double solid lines, but no smiley to back it up with.  Pretty soon I had gone through the whole stash of sticks I had.  Which easily should have taken me to the summer.  No spike in temperature.  When Aunt Flo should be paying her visit, she didn't.  I had no symptoms and no clue as to what was going on.  It's almost as if my body said, "Well, she's 35 now.  She obviously not using this baby making factory.  Let's shut her down!"  Seriously, I wonder.

Then April came.  March and April seem to be my months to when I make/arrive at these decisions, don't they?  As I had said in my update I was being open in my way to becming a mom, and I was.  While I was making plans for the summer, I still found myself watching "gotcha day" youtube videos and pinning.  That niggling in the back of my head about adoting my daughter from China was there every step of the way too.  I didn't want to come forward with my plans, in case I changed my mind again.  Who want's to hear about that ;)  LOL!

In my monthly update I also made it my mission in April to read the Bible for ten minutes a day.  And so I did.  I'm reading the Joyce Meyer's version that has some places where she writes about what's going on and applying it to our lives today.  I was reading about Abram and Sarai and how God promised them a son together.  Then, as Joyce helps to explain, Sarai probably starts thinking she needs to help God along with his promise (you know since it's taking quite awhile to get to) and has her husband lie with her handmaiden, Hagar.  He did and had a son with her, Ishmael.  But that was not God's promise.  He had promised a son between husband and wife.  He fulfilled that promise to (now) Abraham and Sarah, with a son called Isaac.  Joyce tells about how when God promises us something in our lives it's easy to be excited, and then when it doesn't happen on our timeline we sometimes want to help Him out to deliver that promise.  That it's easier to do what we want and then have God bless it, when He doesn't have to bless anything.  That an Ishmael can make things a bit harder, but if we wait for our Isaac it will be easier, because it's God's plan, His promise to us.

Of course I applied it to my own life.  Well He told me to adopt, and promised me that my daughter was in China.  But actually that was two years in to my wanting to become a Choice Mom.  I mean it was originally going to be me becoming a mom to a biological child.  Then I thought some more.  Wait. . . Wasn't the catalyst into this whole single motherhood by choice thing a question from Friend.  "Would you adopt even if you were still single?"  Oh, yeah.  Details people, and God is in them.

So there I  have my solid base for my decision.  Number one, my period is no where on the horizon.  I'm usually, and had been for at least a year and half, like clock work.  And never have I had a cycle this long.  The very cycle that I was starting my planning for this summer, no less.  To me, that's Him talking to me.  Sending me the signs I so very much want and need.  Then there's the Bible, that's always a good place for him to talk to you, and that Ishmael story really hit home.  At this point I've told mom and dad that I've made my new decision.  Of course after telling them the weekend before that I was planning on doing three IUI's this summer.  Then I swore them to secrecy, lest anyone think I'm a loon.  Well, if they don't already.

Then I got a God Wink when talking to KK about it.  I was trying to spit out this story--just as long, if not longer in person ;)--and at the same time we were talking about what she would like for her Birthday dinner. I was still at the beginning of the story so when she said, "You know, I've really been liking Chinese a lot lately," I started to giggle.  I had got no where near China and adopting in my story yet, and just the way her sentence was phrased I took that as a little gift to me from God.

While I'm not quite ready to give away/up my newborn sized cloth diapers or the special onesie I bought at the beginning of this whole process for a coming home outfit (part of it is the hoarder in me), I am ok with perhaps not being a birth mom in my lifetime.  I am ready to become a mommy though, and I'd love to do it His way.

I did go through and put in some numbers into my debt snowball, and figure it will be two years until I'm debt free.  Of course anything can happen and He's in charge so it could take less or more.  Needless to say there will be less Whole Foods Hauls and more Budget Friendly Meal Ideas around here :)  One thing I've found that I'm strangely not worried about anymore is the cost of adoption.  That's not to say I'm not thinking about it, but I'm not worried about it.  I did read my book for the month in one night, Adopt Without Debt.  There were some neat ways to raise money to pay the ransom for your child in it.

Another thing I'm finding that I'm not freaking out over is how old I'll be.  How old will I be when I adopt?  How old will I be when my daughter learns to drive?  How old will I be when she graduates?  How old will I be if I become a grandma?  Perhaps it's the Promise sinking in, that I don't have to worry about that it will happen when it's supposed to.

OH, and to bring this story full circle.  *=My confirmation that today was the right day to tell of my news, I started a new cycle.  Finally.  Meaning that my now last cycle, the one that changed it all, was 47 days.  When I had been looking to see what cycle day I was on when I was like 43 days, I said to Him "It would be right if this cycle lasted 47 days."  It would be one more confirmation to me.  As the adoption community will tell you, there are 147 million orphans in the world.  47.  I'm pretty sure He could not make it more clearer if He hit me over the head.  Whew! Thanks for waiting for me :)

Well I need to be getting to bed now.  This took like two hours to type up, so I'll try to come back within the next few days and add some links and pictures if I can.  I'll write another post if I come with things I forgot to mention.  If you read this far, thanks!!!  And thanks for following along with me!

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