Wednesday, June 4

Stalling (or is it sinking)

Or maybe it's procrastinating.  But at least it's not backpedaling.

Refering to my arch nemisises (cause you know that's a word!), finances and weight.  By not backpedaling I simply mean that I have not accumlated more debt or pounds.  I also have not yet paid off another debt or lost any more poundage.

This past month I have had this niggling feeling, this thought.  No idea what the thought is truly meant for or why I'm having it, but I am.  I like to think I know what it's refering to.  I just have this gut feeling, this thought that runs a track around my brain.  "It's going to happen sooner than you think."  Of course the groove that this thought has carved into my brain intersects with the other track that plays in my head on a constant loop.  I think you all know what that is, but just in case you don't ;) of course it's "Adoption" and all it entails.  Which means those two have linked themselves in my mind into, "Adpotion.  It's going to happen sooner than you think."

Now I have crunched those numbers and worked the budget and really see, unless by some miracle, me being able to start the process any sooner than two years out from now.  I even have a post-it note staring at me right now that shows if I do the snowball only (once a card/loan is paid off  you add what you were paying for it monthly to the next debt you are attacking's minimum payment--snowball the payments) and incur no more debt, then I would be out of debt in January 2018.  If I snowball with extra payments (based on my current income--so realistically) I'll be out June 2016.  Then there's the dream get out debt date set for December 2015, but that's what it is, a dream.

However, I also know that things don't always go along according to my calculations and time lines.  Honestly, I'd be thrilled to no end if my dream of G is closer than I have planned out.  Then again, there's the part of me that starts to not "feel in control" of what's going on, and knowing myself it's what caused the stall.  Putting me "back in control."

I didn't really realize that I was jeopardizing myself though until I saw old signs of procrastination.  The same ones I exhibited in college when finals came around.  Though I really do enjoy doing research (especially when I initate it) and planning, when it comes to the end of a project or nearing a deadline I can procrastinate with the best of them.  Like I have these great books for adopting and attaching in adoption, but I'd get online to find what other people read/have read.  (Duh, how do you think I picked and bought these books out that I already have.)  Or I stopped (during May) making sure to squeeze the budget and apply the extra "found" monies to the current loan I'm taclking.  I haven't followed through with actually going forward with how I want to start tackling weight loss.

The little "habit" that really brought this all to the forefront of my mind was when I started plucking the hair at the "peak".  I really haven't done that since college.  When I did it was because finals were coming up and I started freaking out if I would actually pass the classes.  Which were totally unfounded.  I never failed a class in my life.  I knew what my grades were going into the finals, and I don't ever remember a professor ever saying in my classes that if you failed the final (test or project) that I would fail the class.  I just say that to show I wasn't going to fail the classes, but I still fretted big time over it.  A procrastinated worrywort.  Hmmm. . . wonder if I ever put that on my resume ;)

If I stay stalled then I don't have to particularly worry about getting across the finish line (or even the starting line.)  What if that thought is from you-know-who, and this is my warning to kick it into gear.  Honestly, it's a little paralyzing (to me).  Mostly though, it's just the fear of being denied.  If you don't move forward then you don't have to worry about rejection.  There will be no one to say that you don't qualify to adopt.  Or a homestudy that won't get approved.  Or a government to say they find you unfit to parent a child.

I'd like to think that these fears too are unfounded.  Still it's scary.  I mean it's my biggest dream in life, to become a mom.  It can become easy to be lulled in "safety".  The human kind.  The one where it's obviously safer to stay where you are and not leap into the unknown.  Even if that's what it is needed to get you to your dream.  I'm human and I've gone for some dreams in my life and not all of them landed where I wanted.  It can be a crushing blow.  It can make a timid person hold back on the reins the next time they go for something.  To jump a safe distance, one they know they can make instead of going all out for the fear they may fall flat on their face or break a bone or be disqualified.

There are other times though where I have put my little heart into something and it has gotten me right where I wanted.  I have been able to achieve goals set for myself.  Which can be conflicting when going for the next hurdle, knowing that it can in fact go either way.  I have to say though I really have a great group of cheerleaders.  Whether they are there to help talk through a decision with me, pray for me as I make decisions, cheer for me as I make my attempts and congratulate or comfort me depending on the outcome.  This decision/journey/path is no different, and for that I am thankful.

So really it all comes down to trusting Him.  That He will not lead me to something without leading me through it.  That He has got my back.  That I need to leap without a safety net.  Or perhaps it's more like following Jesus onto the water.  I want to walk out on the water to Jesus.  (See Matthew 14:22-33)  After all He said to go for it and that He's there for me. But much like Peter I start to doubt and start sinking, or in my case stalling.  I just need to ask Him for help and He'll help me get through it all.  Which means praying and getting back to walking.

Just be patient with me as I start taking my deep breaths and moving forward.  I will keep you apprised of the progress :)  I'm going to take this just as a stepping stone that was necessary for me in order to move forward.  And moving forward is my direction!


Amazing grace how sweet the sound

I hear You singing over me
I once was lost but now I'm found
And it's beautiful
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
It covers every part of me
How Sweet the Sound by Citizen Way

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing… Remains [repeat]

Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me [3x]

On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never, ever, have to be afraid
One thing remains

In death, In life, I’m confident and
covered by the power of Your great love
My debt is paid, there’s nothing that can
separate my heart from Your great love...

One Thing Remains by Jesus Culture

No comments :

Post a Comment

I'd love to hear what you have to say!